February 22, 2012

“But I don’t want to fail again.”

I’ve said it to myself often enough. Students over the years have said that to me countless times. That fear of failure often happens when  it is time to set goals or start a new project.

“It is wise to make a plan,” says creativity coach, Eric Maisel, author of Coaching the Artist Within. “However, since we make so many resolutions and break them, set so many goals and fall short of realizing them, and create so many plans without following through on them, we become reluctant to plan. We prefer not to plan so as not to disappoint ourselves one more time.”

I’m at that point this week, looking at two novels I worked on last year that I simply couldn’t make “work.” I started them over several times, trying different angles, but no luck. I still like the ideas a lot, but I find myself leery of making one more stab at them. I’m afraid of wasting my writing time and having nothing to show for it. I’m more than leery. I’m stuck.

One of Maisel’s solutions is to make a simple plan. He says to leave out the complexities that just make things harder. His idea of a simple plan is: I will try to write every day. (No rules or details, no set number of pages, no word count, etc.) Or even better, I plan to write today. But is that enough? Not for me.

A Simple Plan

A simple plan is well and good, but getting started is still the hardest part (for me anyway) when facing a project where fear of failure is high. (It doesn’t have to be writing the Great American Novel either. It can simply be a project I’ve “failed” on before.)

We want to change an action here—get started and keep going. It’s often not as simple as “just do it!” though. We have to back up and change the fearful emotion that drives the writer’s block and procrastination. And to do that we have to back up and change the thought that creates the emotion.

Sometimes changing your thoughts is enough to get you going. But repeating “thoughts” or “affirmations” that some articles suggest (like “I am the country’s best writer, and agents are fighting to represent me”) are just absurd to me. My brain, anyway, kicks something like that right back out. I simply don’t believe it. If I did, I wouldn’t be stuck.

What’s the Answer?

We need to back up one additional step. Your automatic thoughts come from your beliefs about yourself as a writer. The beliefs need to change before you will think healthy thoughts, that flow into healthy writing emotions, and then produce good actions (writing). I think beliefs need to be true, though, for them to be of immediate use to you.

If you are believing a pack of lies (like “I’ll never write any better” and “You have to know someone in publishing to sell a novel”) then start with the lies you are believing and replace them with truth. One good source for this is another of Maisel’s books, Write Mind: 299 Things Writers Should Never Say to Themselves (and What They Should Say Instead).

The Process

Facing a blank page or facing a revision can cause fear. We may not know what to do, or we may know what needs to be done, yet fear that we don’t have the skill to pull it off. When facing something fearful, the thoughts that automatically spring forth have to do with what we believe about staying safe and getting our needs met.

As I look at the novels I want to tackle again this year, the automatic thoughts that spring to mind include: “I’ve already wasted months of writing time on these novels, so why waste more?” and “I need to be doing work-for-hire projects instead and make money during my writing time” and “I don’t want to spend months on something just to fail again” and “I’ll never get this novel  done” and “This project is above my skill level, and I’ll never be that good.”

All those thoughts have to do with staying safe (I don’t want to fail again) and getting needs met (income from writing and feeling like the writing will matter.)

Writer’s Block Smashed: Replace Lies with Truth

Last week I made a long list of truths to replace my automatic thoughts (those “lies in disguise.”) Some of them are faith-based which wouldn’t maybe apply to everyone. But some of them apply to all writers. (I’ll list a few below.) Just the act of writing down these truths and re-reading them before my writing time in the morning is already changing my ability to tackle the first novel.

My fifty or so new truths include:

• I can have my novel written in a year. (vs. “I’ll never get this novel done.”)
• Writing is at the top of my To-Do list. (vs. “I’m too busy to write.”)
• I learn to write better by writing, and daily if possible. (vs. “I’ll never be good enough to write this book.”)
• Since I want to increase my output, I’m going to institute a new writing routine. (vs. “People make too many demands so I never have time to write.”)
• I can write anywhere and under any conditions. (vs. “I can’t write unless I have hours of quiet time alone.”)
• I don’t need to read another book on writing first—I need to write! (vs. “There must be a magic key out there, and I’ll keep buying writing books until I find it.”)

As I’ve said countless times here, and in both Writer’s First Aid and the new More Writer’s First Aid, we’re all in this together. Writers have always dealt with these issues. But instead of feeling the fear and inadequacy (and then buying a box of Krispie Kremes and turning on the TV), take the time to figure out what lies you are believing about your writing.

Replace them with truth—and see how that changes your emotions and subsequent action. You’ll write more. You’ll write better. You’ll enjoy your daily writing time. Publication will most likely eventually follow, but it will become less important than your daily experience of enjoying the writing.

Just for reference, here are the Eric Maisel books on my own writing shelf that I have found very helpful over the years:

• Fearless Creating
• Deep Writing
• Write Mind
• Brainstorm
• Coaching the Artist Within
• Living the Writer’s Life
• Affirmations for Artists
• Creativity for Life
• A Life in the Arts

December 16, 2011

We’ve talked about the benefits of writing in flow, in that relaxed timeless state, and we’ve talked about the first key to developing this skill: have a reason to write.

Today let’s look at Key #2: thinking like a writer. These keys are based on Susan Perry’s Writing in Flow.

CHANGE MY THINKING?

We all think like writers already, or we wouldn’t be writing, correct? True enough, but in this series we’re concentrating on developing the ability to write in flow. Do writers who frequently write deeply and easily think differently?

Yes, it appears that they do. They have a certain set of attitudes, based on hundreds of Perry’s interviews. If we study these attitudes and beliefs and incorporate them into our own thinking, we should also be able to write in flow, be more productive, and enjoy the writing more.

WRITER ATTITUDES

This doesn’t mean you need a new personality. Quite the contrary. Be who you are, Perry says. “When you work with what comes naturally to you rather than struggling against it—whether it’s your preference for an uncluttered workspace or your tendency to do the opposite when those little voices in your head suggest that you ought to be answering those letters rather than writing a poem—you can apply your energy to what matters most to you.”

Another attitude, especially with writers in the early years, has to do with spending free time pursuing writing. They may be “troubled by the niggling feeling that taking too much time for their writing is slightly selfish because it’s like stealing time from their family,” Perry says. “If you identify with that second attitude, naturally you might find it more difficult to let go and focus fully when you do sit down to write.”

This attitude is easy to overcome after you are published and making money at your writing. Before that, I found that I got over the guilt when I took my writing time from my own free time activities—my sleep, TV, time with my friends. I gave up my own “extras” instead of taking it from the family, and then I didn’t feel guilty. It’s very hard to relax and write “in flow” when you’re feeling guilty!

RISK TAKING

Relaxing into flow—that essential letting go—can feel risky to certain personality types like mine. I don’t like risks, and I spend too much time probably trying to avoid risks. I would love it if I could make all my loved ones stop taking risks too! However, being afraid to take risks in your writing can stifle you as a writer.

“Taking risks, of whatever kind, can be especially challenging to those who can’t bear to give up control,” Perry says. “You can learn to open yourself to the unexpected, which is such a rich source of creative insight, by giving up control in small ways.” Remember, we’re talking about taking risks in your writing. You can certainly still control all the things in your environment that help you get into the flow state: clean desk, soft music, set daily routines, writing in certain locations, whatever you need.

For many writers, taking risks with your writing—in subject matter, in tone—can be scary. What will XXX think? (XXX = your editor, your mother, your spouse, the critics…) If you are focused on the fear of taking risks and what others will think, you can’t relax enough to enter the flow state.

One day I realized that in order to avoid that feeling, I only had to promise myself never to show the story to anyone if I didn’t want to. It never had to see the light of day, never had to offend anyone or hurt someone’s feelings. That decision helped me to write freely. And when I’d get to a place in the story that set off internal alarm bells (“You can’t say that!”), I said to myself (out loud), “No one ever needs to see this. I can say what I want. I can always change it later if I want to.” Writing this way, there is no risk involved whatsoever—and you can’t fail.

BE FULLY ABSORBED

Being fully absorbed in your work is very close to working in flow. And it’s a decision you can choose to make more often. Being fully absorbed means you “are deeply immersed in some activity as to be impervious to distractions…As a personality trait, absorption reflects the degree of your tendency to become deeply engaged in movies, nature, past events, fantasy or anything else.”

This type of person will have an easier time entering the flow state, which requires an ability to become deeply engaged and weed out distractions. A fully absorbed person can watch a good movie or read a good book and forget (temporarily) about negative distractions like his hunger, his headache, and her fight with her spouse—or lovely distractions like the phone, a beautiful day outside, or the cake in the kitchen.

BECOME CONFIDENT

You don’t start out writing with confidence or the ability to bounce back from rejection. You will need to find ways to master your fears, find confidence in your own writing voice, plus deal with isolation and self-doubt. All writers have to do this. I wrote many years with no confidence whatsoever. It can be done, but it’s rather torturous. I wasn’t writing in the enjoyable, timeless flow we’re talking about.

If you want help in this area, I highly recommend Cecil Murphey’s new book called Unleash the Writer Within: the Essential Writers’ Companion. Rather than working to overcome your weaknesses, the author shows you how to make friends with them and turn them into strengths. He deals with helping you find your real voice, like yourself, deal with the inner critic in an usual way, shatter writer’s block, and more. And he does all this in such a kind, straightforward and transparent way. Cec Murphey has millions of books in print and speaks from experience.

LONG-TERM PREPARATION FOR WRITING

If you have several attitudes mentioned above that need adjusting, you can’t just sit down and decide to think like a writer right now, so you can slip into flow. It takes time, depending on your mental attitudes at this time.

Developing the above attitudes will help you tolerate anxiety, be more open to new experiences, and learn to trust the writer you already are. If you feel like you need help in this area of “writerly attitudes that benefit you,” Unleash the Writer Within is my suggestion for you. I wish I’d had this book thirty years ago.

I’ve given you a lot to think about this week on the subject of writing in flow. Next week we’ll begin with Key #3: Loosen Up!

 

November 25, 2011

While eating your turkey and pumpkin pie left-overs today, here are some terrific articles to boost your creativity, rise above your writing fears, be encouraged in marketing your novel, and keep on keeping on!

 

Fourth week pep talk from a published author who uses NaNoWriMo in his own unique way–four great lessons learned here.

Blogs may be easy for nonfiction writers, but what about novelists? What is there to blog about? See this article on 13 Blog Post Ideas for Novelists.

Week three pep talk on how to keep going, knowing when to quit, and more.

Oh what to do about our writer’s fears? The title says it all! [I had read this before and got just as much out of reading it again. It's a good one to mark and re-read occasionally.]

 

As I said on Wednesday, this holiday weekend would be a good time to think ahead to your 2012 writing goals. The articles above will give you good things to consider. I’m excited to be heading into the new year with you!

July 13, 2011

Have you ever considered the fact that unhappiness is the first step along the writer’s path?

“Toddlers are bursting with the anxiety and helplessness of having feelings that they can’t get anybody around them to understand. They don’t even have the right words in their heads yet – it’s all emotion and frustration. That’s also an accurate description of writers in step one.” This is how Nancy Pickard and Lynn Lott describe the first of their Seven Steps on the Writer’s Path: the journey from frustration to fulfillment. [I highly recommend this book, by the way.]

This unhappiness may feel like an itchy feeling under your skin. It may feel like an urge to change something. Call it restlessness or discontent or creative tension. “Unhappiness,” say the authors, “to one degree or another, is where all creativity begins.”

Message in the Misery

If you’re starting to feel that itch to change something in your life, you’re moving into Step One. Maybe you don’t feel unhappy exactly. Maybe you’re just restless. But if this tension is trying to tell you that you’re a writer who should be writing, it can very quickly turn into discomfort and then misery if you don’t pay attention to it.

Even published writers in a long-time career can feel this unhappiness or tension when it’s time to make a change. “Every important turn on my writer’s path has been preceded by unhappiness,” Nancy Pickard admits. “The more major the turn, the worse the misery.” (I can certainly identify with that! I get bored first, then I itch to try something new or more difficult or different, and then I get fed up with whatever I’m currently doing.)

If you’ve been writing for a long time, this unhappy first step on the writer’s path may have more specific origins. It might be the misery of being in a day job you’d give anything to quit so you could write full-time. It might be the misery of a writer’s block that just won’t budge – perhaps for months. It might be the misery of when your proposal has been rejected by a dozen editors or agents-and your spouse has told you to get “a real job.”

What About You?

There are many signs, according to these authors, that you are in the first step along the writer’s path (the first of seven). Can you identify here? What does the beginning of a project – or the beginning of a writer’s life – feel like to you?

I had always assumed that the beginning (for other writers) was a time of great excitement, a happy eager time. I was glad to find that I wasn’t the only one who felt just the opposite!

How about YOU? How do YOU know when it’s time to get creative?

June 6, 2011

I have a confession to make. Being a children’s writer has taken away much of the joy in browsing the children’s sections of book stores.

Oh, I love book stores themselves–the brick ‘n’ mortar kind, plus anything online. But if I want to enjoy my book store visit, I avoid the children’s section. Until recently, I thought I was the only one who found the experience intimidating.

Book Store Phobia

I was reading in Eric Maisel’s book Deep Writing about a much-published, midlist women’s fiction author who wanted to “break out” and write a really solid book, but one that also had commercial success. “She finds her first step appalling but necessary: to spend an afternoon in a chain book store strategically browsing bestselling women’s fiction. She knows just which inner demons this visit will activate–feelings of envy, a vision of herself as a failure, a sense that others can effortlessly play a game whose rules she either doesn’t understand or refuses to understand.”

This phobia struck me early in my writing career, thirty years ago while I was still a student at the Institute of Children’s Literature. It happened when I did my assignments on studying the markets, reading children’s magazines and books. As instructed, I browsed book stores, seeing what kids liked and what publishers were doing.

Deadly Comparisons

At first, it was fun, but eventually I realized I was dreading the book store visits and magazine reading. It had stopped being fun. Instead, it left my already shaky self-esteem even lower. I couldn’t imagine ever studying my craft long enough to be able to write like the books I was reading.

After being published for several years and finding my books on the shelves in stores, I fully expected the “I’ll never be good enough” feeling to pass. But our minds, when left to themselves, are tricky things! If I found my books on the shelves, I’d wonder why they hadn’t sold. If I didn’t find my books on the shelves, I hoped they were sold out, but I never had the nerve to ask if they’d ever been on the shelf in the first place.

Back in the Saddle

The phobia seems to be a thing of the past–almost. While browsing now, I remember that the book I am holding is probably a collaborative effort between the author and his/her agent and editor. I remind myself that it undoubtedly went through a gazillion revisions even after it sold. Even if the process is intimidating, we need to know what is being published in our field. In other words, it’s like the book by Susan Jeffers that says Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

Does anyone else deal with this book store phobia? I hope it’s not just me!

January 5, 2011

I’ve been reading a book on how fear affects writing (and art-making of all kinds). Fear is what holds many (even most) of us back from being the writers we dream of being–and probably could be.

Art & Fear suggests that these fears fall into two main categories: (1) fears about yourself, and (2) fears of how others will receive your work.

The fears about yourself prevent you from doing your best work. Fears about your reception by others prevent you from doing your own work.

The Great Pretender  (or fears about self)

When you doubt your own abilities, you feel like a fake, an impostor. You feel like your best work was an accident, a happy fluke that you can’t seem to duplicate. It feels as if you’re going through the motions of being a writer–typing, reading how-to books and magazines, attending conferences–but you suspect that you don’t really know what you’re doing. (And we wrongly assume that all those other writers DO know what they’re doing.)

You also suspect you don’t have any real talent. After all, talented people perform their art with ease. Writers might start out that way, but inevitably you reach a point (if you’re truly working) where it definitely is NOT easy! You take that as a sign that you don’t really have enough talent to be a writer after all. (Truth: talent is a gift, and most people have enough talent. Probably 95% of success is what you do with it–and for writers, that means showing up at the page consistently.)

These fears WILL keep you from doing your best work.

Whose Priorities Count? (or fears about others)

The best writing is not produced by committee. It’s produced when a writer who is passionate about an idea is left alone to create. At these times we aren’t even thinking about others.

Problems arise when we confuse others’ priorities with our own. In our heads, we hear these critical voices. (Some come from our pasts, some from current writing friends, some from what we read in magazines and publishing journals.) Since published writers depend on reviews for sales, what others think has to matter at some point. However, when others’ opinions–how they think we should write–influences you too much and too soon in the process, you stop writing what you truly love and start writing what “they” have said is better or more salable.

Wanting to be understood is a basic need, and writers want others to understand their stories. They don’t want to be booed off the stage for being too different. (We all learned at an early age the dangers of being considered different or weird.) So the inner war continues with writers: can I find the courage to be true to what I need to write, or will I buckle to others’ opinions so I have a better chance of being received well? Buckling to fears of being misunderstood makes you dependent on your readers or audience.

These fears WILL keep you from doing your own work.

Ponder This…

This coming week, when you’re out scooping snow or taking a walk, give these two questions some thought:

What fears do you have about yourself that prevent you from doing your BEST work?

What fears about your reception by others prevents you from doing your OWN work?

And if you’re REALLY brave, leave a comment about one (or both). It will give me ideas for future topics!

August 20, 2010

If a friend from your critique group told you ”I just can’t get started on my story today,” what would you say? “Get moving, you lazy do-nothing wannabe!” I hope not!

If your writing friend bemoans receiving another rejection, do you say, “Well, what did you expect? Your novel stinks!”?

I would hope not. Most of us are better friends than that…except to ourselves.

Your Own Best Friend

Listen to how you talk to yourself. When you procrastinate, do you beat yourself up? Do you call yourself names? And to paraphrase Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?” Does it spur you on to do your best writing–or to give up and eat a pint of ice cream?

When you receive a rejection, do you downgrade your writing? Do you tell yourself that publishing is just a pipe dream, that it’s for others but not for you?

Do you say things to yourself that you would NEVER say to a writer friend?

Time to STOP!

Learn to tell yourself the truth–but with kindness. Be a mirror that reflects back understanding. If you got off course, gently encourage yourself back on the writing path you want to travel.

Not:

• You’re so lazy that you’ll never get anything written and published.
• No editor or agent will ever read your novel, much less publish it!
• You only have friends on Facebook because they don’t really know you.

Say this instead:

• You may have trouble getting started because you’re afraid of something. Try journaling to get to the bottom of it.
• You may (or may not) find an editor who loves your novel–but you’ll never know if you don’t keep sending it out. Let’s try one more time.
• Many people in your real life know you and love you. Make a list. Be thankful for each person on the list.

Be That Good Friend

The next time you stall or hit a rough spot in your work, talk to yourself like a true friend would. Be kind, be understanding, give some praise, and encourage yourself to try again.

You can be your own best friend.

August 2, 2010

You meet an editor or agent in an elevator or the banquet line. They turn to you and ask, “What’s your book about? Why are you the person to write it?”

Which One Is You?

Do you give a confident 30-second talk summarizing your book’s main points and why you’re the only one who could do the project justice?

OR

Do you say, “You know, that’s a good question. I’m a lousy writer! Who do I think I am anyway, masquerading as a writer? It’s a dumb book idea.”

Of course you don’t spout that second example!

And yet, many writers do that very thing to themselves every day. That evil little voice in your head or over your shoulder whispers, “That’s a stupid idea” or “That’s been done before–and a lot better” or “You’re never going to finish that story.” And like agreeable little twits, we nod and tell ourselves, “This is a dumb idea. I’m never going to finish this. This concept was done last year–and a whole lot better!”

Then, discouraged for another day, we head for the ice cream.

Pitch It to Yourself!

The name “elevator pitch” means a short speech you have ready for that opportune moment when you can market yourself or your book idea to someone that might buy it. Every day–even many times a day–you need to pitch your writing project and yourself TO YOURSELF.

How are you going to sell your story idea to yourself? What elevator pitch can you give to yourself when you’re surprised, not by an agent or editor in the elevator, but by your own nagging questions?

• When “voice in the head” says, “This is just too hard!”
• You say, “I have done many hard things in my life. I can do one more difficult thing.”
•  
• When “voice in the head” says, “There’s too much going on in your life for you to write now”
• You say, “Writing is at the top of my To-Do list because it’s important!”
•  
• When “voice in the head” says, “Editors and agents scare me!”
• You say, “Even when I feel anxious, I can act like a professional.”
•  
• When “voice in the head” says, “I can’t write because I can’t tolerate rejections”
• You say, “NOT writing is the only rejection that matters. It’s a rejection of my dreams. I can write a little each day.”

Write Your Own Now

Take a few moments today and write at least three elevator pitches of your own, counter-acting the voice in your head. Write the pitches on cards and tape them to your computer. When the “voice” badgers you the next time, read one of your cards OUT LOUD. Several times.

And if you’re feeling very brave, add an elevator pitch in the comments section (up to three pitches) that you can begin pitching to yourself today!

June 7, 2010

You’ve often heard the phrase “you are your own worst enemy.” Does this apply to you when trying to create a writing life you love? It certainly applies to me!

How does this enemy within keep you from moving ahead with your writing dreams? By telling you lies. Some are bold-faced lies. Some are wrapped in soft wool. Some lies ridicule you, while others sound downright comforting. What do all these voices in your head have in common?

They’re instruments of self-sabotage. They convince you to give up.

Who’s Talking Now?

There are many voices inside your head. You must listen and decide who’s doing the talking at any particular moment. Some voices are easy to recognize; some are so subtle you’ll be shocked. First, you have the…

Voice of the Inner Critic

It whispers words like “What makes you think you have anything interesting to say?” “You’re no good.” “That junk will never sell.” “You’re actually going to show that story to somebody?” The Inner Critic beats you down with criticism. Sometimes this voice bears a remarkable similarity to that of your mother, your spouse, or your junior high English teacher.

As Julia Cameron says in The Artist’s Way at Work, creativity requires a sense of inner safety, something like a fortress. “In order to have one, you must disarm the snipers, traitors and enemies that may have infiltrated your psyche.”

I spent years fighting my Inner Critic’s voice with positive affirmations and gritted teeth. “Oh, yes, I can!” was my motto. In time, my Inner Critic was quieted, only speaking out when I got an unexpected rejection or bad review. Yet I still wasn’t creating the writing life I dreamed of. Something was holding me back. It took me a long time to realize I still had voices in my head, because the tone and words had changed.

Do any of the following voices live inside your head and keep you from fully pursuing your writing dreams? Listen and see.

Voice of Responsibility

This voice sounds so adult, so sensible. It tells you to grow up, to get your head out of the clouds and your feet back on the ground. “You’re neglecting your children (or your job),” says this voice. “Look at your messy kitchen (or yard or garage).” “You have no business hiring someone else to mow the lawn so you can write!” “You’d better walk the poor dog first.”

Guilt is piled on by this voice, and you crumble under its weight. You put your writing dream on the back burner until a time when you’re less burdened by responsibility.

Voice of Intimidation

This voice is snide and cryptic. It slaps your hand when you try to crawl out of the box that is your life and declare yourself a writer. “Who do you think you are?” this voice asks. “You’ll make a fool of yourself!”

Doubt and low self-worth take these statements as the truth, and that of course only serves to further lower your self-esteem. Cowering, you crawl back in the box and close the lid on your dreams.

(The rest of the article on self-sabotage (which also includes the voices of fear, compassion, and procrastination) is here. It’s from the “Creating the Writing Life You Love” section of my Writer’s First Aid: Getting Organized, Getting Inspired, and Sticking to It.

May 19, 2010

A few weeks ago in “Find a Need and Fill It” I asked for your input concerning the topics you find most helpful in this blog.

Thank you all for the responses! It’s been very helpful. The requests fell into three main categories. Since I blog on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, that made it easy for me. From now on, this will be my general blogging schedule so that I can cover each topic area regularly.

What You Can Expect

Monday = Inner Motivation (includes:)

• fears–all kinds!
• discipline
• focus
• goals
• rejection
• lack of motivation
• encouragement
• a writer’s dream life
• procrastination
• working with our “inner editor”
• enjoying writing more
• perseverance
• creative inspiration
• writer’s block

Wednesday = Outer Challenges (includes:)

• setting boundaries
• time management
• distractions
• discipline
• writing schedules
• goal setting
• balancing writing with chaos in life
• balancing day jobs with writing
• our writing needs (vs. “their” needs)
• self-defeating behaviors

Friday = Tips ‘n’ Tricks of the Trade (includes:)

• specific genre help
• writing books I’ve found helpful
• blogs I find useful
• classes I’ve taken
• voice (writer’s and character’s)
• critique groups
• conferences
• working with publishers
• marketing–all kinds
• considering the audience when writing
• dealing with publishers who don’t respond
• finding good markets
• developing depth in writing
• selling “unique” pieces instead of jumping on the bandwagon

Thanks for Your Input

All your feedback has been immensely helpful in organizing future blog posts and making sure I cover topics you want to hear about and find useful. If I missed anything on these lists, feel free to let me know!

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