July 25, 2011

Do you have any margins left in your life?

Or is your life marginless?

For a long time, I’ve known that something was wrong. People everywhere, of all ages and walks of life, are frazzled. People are anxious and depressed.

And why is that especially important to writers? Because tired, frazzled, anxious, depressed writers don’t write. Or when they do write, they can’t write well.

This weekend I read a book that spoke to me on every page. It came out several years ago, so many of you have probably already read it. It’s Margin, by Richard A. Swenson, M.D. In this book he talks about the fact that most of us live marginless lives now.

What’s “margin”? Margin is the space that once existed between ourselves and our limits. Margin is having something held in reserve for unexpected situations.

Bring It On!

Instead, most of us live overloaded lives. The cost of overload is seen in health problems, financial debt, family and friendships going by the wayside, and having very little or no time for solitude and renewal.

Because of exponential progress in technology and other areas, things in our culture are changing faster and faster. We have more and more choices. Along with all the progress comes increasing stress, change, complexity, speed, intensity, and overload.

However, despite all this speed and change, human beings have relatively fixed limits. We have physical limits, mental limits, emotional limits, and financial limits. Once the threshold of these limits is exceeded, overload displaces margin.

Why Now?

The book details how many conditions we have at play today that are different than at any other time in history. We have run out of room to breathe. We have run out of time to sit and think. And I think this overload – this living beyond our limits – makes writing extremely difficult.

Can anything be done about this? You can’t stop progress, can you? Maybe not, and maybe we don’t want to, but can we regain our emotional health and physical health and relational health? Is it possible to redirect our over-extended lives? Yes, it is, according to this author.

How About You?

I read this book with great excitement, and in the next several blogs, I will share some ideas with you. Does the description above ring any bells with you?

In the coming days, we will talk about some ways to regain margin so that you have more emotional energy, more physical energy, and more time-when you can write, if you choose to. I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s just what the doctor ordered.

11 Comments »

1. 

   Margin! Exactly what I need! I look forward to your posts on this, Kristi. Thanks in advance!

   Comment by Jane Heitman Healy — July 25, 2011 @ 2:58 pm

2. 

   Jane, I hope I can help ALL of us find margin in the various areas of our lives. This books speaks to me on so many levels!

   Comment by Kristi Holl — July 25, 2011 @ 5:42 pm

3. 

   Oh boy -YES! is this ever a major problem, that I have to watch because it creeps in even when I try to beat it back with a broom.
   Privacy deprivation (which turns into mental privacy deprivation) is worse than sleep deprivation , and though I can hold it together, I found that I was really drying out to by catering to “everything” else. I certainly was losing the ability to take that deep timeless dunk into my forest pool universe – (in the disappearing margins!) – and if it wasn’t someone/something at my door, (phone, fax, prop. comp./work),
   it was ALSO the shattery energy of waiting! (til someone else handled something). It doesn’t go away – and you can’t take a vacation from it – your attention is ALWAYS there to some degree. Pretty soon you are scattered all over the universe, enervated all the time. But it was getting to be 24 hours –hmmm.

   Privacy Deprivation (Margins!) The Horror Story!

   I did some serious people weeding – the phys stuff, well, that is there (tenants) – but my main losing my margins (marbles) actually was coming from a very insidious source – (If you can get behind this) – like Julia Cameron’s crazymakers – but this was having allowed close connections somehow to those who put out fragmented energy – even when they weren’t there. This was now directly wired into my universe. Like somehow I had allowed them to start using me as a mental energy playground, (even at a distance!)
   SIMPLY because I hadn’t nipped it in the bud when I first realized it – with the famous – yeah, well, since I know it, I can handle/put up with it. They aren’t too bothersome – and there is niceness – DON’T BELIEVE IT!

   The hard truth is, you can’t. It takes energy to be bored, to shift gears when there is an interruption, and walk on eggshells, or listen to gossip about everyone else, to sit on irritation, or even just being a hospitable listener (to something that is putting you to sleep). (you know they will interrupt you if you try to say anything yourself.)
   For every moment that you put up with it, you are getting leeched on – it is secretly eroding your margin-store of good energy, (you won’t even miss it at first, until your margins – reserves are GONE.)
   Then there IS no buffer. And, once that psychic hook is set, whatever they are anxious about, or just fragmented, – you will directly mentally receive the energy they are spewing out – even if they are a hundred miles away. Even if you haven’t seen them recently – (but you know they are around and coming back, ’cause you are too nice and have left the door open).
   You will not be able to build up your store very much either, as long as you have any mental connection with them – and believe me, the fragmenty (harmless) people are attracted like bees to any increase! Things start going well, they are there on the phone or the doorstep, with great “reasons” to have to stop by, even when they have been told (several times) that you are busy, on a sabbatical, dead, etc.)

   I had 4 people like this, (All at once! – they tended to cycle thru) – Friendly, all very nice on the top, (2/3 years) and it took me really wondering what was wrong with ME seriously, before I really looked at my environment – and what was making me feel like this?

   What was interesting, was they all fell off the flypaper one after another (6 months) once I stopped being “nice” about it and taking care of my margin there. In fact, they invented upsets to flounce away! (last ditch effort – she’ll notice!) LOL! Nope. It certainly saves work when they know you have discovered them). And I think it is totally vital that you stop kidding yourself and being namby pamby – whatever their reasons were (you were their entertainment energy source)- you are directly putting you and your life at risk. With no energy and mental privacy, you are wilting, in ALL areas of your life.

   I got mean! (UH!) – People that don’t contribute interest/energy/a product/ exchange back/living wavelength – are ousted right away. (So I don’t have to tell them again and again).
   I am learning to husband my energy – And really defending and building my growing margin here!
   Give yourself some time if this occurs for you – let yourself refill, that creativity WILL come back out of the blue.
   Just this one area (so far) of ‘margins’ has resulted in suddenly I have my forest pool back! I can almost feel the water again… And, I don’t talk about my own projects/secret universe/create – even lightly! because at the moment, I still find that light words/comments on the wrong ears (wasted spent energy) feels like I have commited treason to myself. (yeah, I overdrained myself).

   Sounds tough? Well, I am a tough broad – I am getting really overdone on the time wasting sucky/negative whiney touchy feely universe –
   I can put up with / take a lot. And you know something? I realized I don’t HAVE too. (THAT was really hard, but honest, to admit). There are already enough martyrs, I don’t have to be one too).
   And to the degree that I don’t, I can feel that underlying power where it all starts from as a deep deep river running and filling. (whatever you may wish to call it!) I have no nano-bots whizzing through my head.
   The energy silence was REALLY surprising! I had slowly gotten so used to background frenetic energy.

   My biggest indicator for this, is, How do you feel in relation to where you were at before, after they have left?
   Not trying to be all psychologically oriented – but I really HAD to stop and pay attention to dig myself out.
   However, practice speeds things up! LOL! I am not good at being mean – but I am consciously practicing being “short.” And you know something? the world is not blowing up.

   What is that afterlife quote? Something about it not being how nice you were, but how much did you enjoy whatever you did do…!

   Onto the next deflated airbag margin -sleep!
   Thank you for listening — but that Margins intro really hit home!
   I hope you all take a moment and realize how much you and what you can be and do are WORTH!

   Comment by jen — July 25, 2011 @ 7:10 pm

4. 

   Jen, thanks for the lengthy response. You are a lady on the move! Wow, privacy deprivation! I hadn’t thought of that, but I bet there are TONS of people who could identify there. Everyone from young moms with little ones clinging to them, to office workers, to ladies with newly retired husbands! Yes, I can see where that would be as difficult in some respects as sleep deprivation. Had to smile at the idea of “people weeding”! You’re right—there’s no buffer when you have to walk on eggshells with high maintenance people.

   Yes, without boundaries, you wilt in all areas of life. So very true. For those of us who like to “help” (and I truly do mean “help”), it is so hard to have to say “no.” But for our health and sanity, it has to be done sometimes. And sometimes others have to learn life’s lessons by working through their own struggles.

   Comment by Kristi Holl — July 25, 2011 @ 9:23 pm

5. 

   I greatly look forward to your posts in the coming days, Kristi. I think you’ve just hit on my problem! Thanks for the post.

   Karin Larson

   Comment by Karin Larson — July 26, 2011 @ 6:29 am

6. 

   Karin, when I read the first chapter or two of this book, I was almost hyperventilating. At last! Someone who describes EXACTLY what’s going on! I held my breath until I got to some “solutions” he offers. I’m hopeful!

   Comment by Kristi Holl — July 26, 2011 @ 7:04 am

7. 

   Kristi, I really identified with this post. I’m one of those people when I sit down to write feel tired, stressed and overwhelmed,even though I love to write.

   I’ll be interested to read your ideas for regaining margins!

   Comment by Vicki Spivey — July 26, 2011 @ 7:30 am

8. 

   Vicki, I think this is such a common problem. Our lives today are overloaded beyond anything our ancestors dealt with. I’m ready to make some radical changes!

   Comment by Kristi Holl — July 26, 2011 @ 11:43 am

9. 

   Thanks for your reply, Jen. I agree with a lot of how you feel, and also it’s nice to not be only one following this blog who can’t always nail the bullet points in a single paragraph or less, though for once I keep what I want to say fairly brief.

   Kristi, for me these ideas and tips can’t come soon enough, I really feel this pressure, more from myself than from others, but even at that, it’s hard to be at peace with one’s limits if it just takes you so long to get it in gear, you are doing your best, but most days it feels like you’re just standing still, even if you feel anything but lazy.

   I honestly believe I’d feel less anxious about my life if I could just forget about mortality. We all have to die at some point, and I feel like I’m spending so long on some parts of getting my life in order,

   I feel like by the time I achieved what’s holding me back now, it’ll be too late. I’m sorry if this sounds heartless to those of you over 30 who juggle more than I do, but that’s my biggest fear, and I can’t pretend it’s not real anymore, or that it’s going away overnight, few things ever do anymore for any of us.

   That doesn’t mean I age any slower than anyone else just because I might be younger than some of you followers of this blog, and certainly the brains behind this blog, the face she’s got grandchildren is proof enough, I feel so pathetic to have so few accomplishments at this point.

   It’s not like I wasn’t trying. But I’m trying to dial back the complaining, I’m just making the point that I need whatever help I can get that doesn’t cost thousands of dollars to get.

   That said, I’m sure all the tips will require a level of patience I’ve still yet to achieve, but anything’s better than where I’m stuck now. Seriously.

   I’ll be following along this week, so wish me luck, I really need it now.

   Taurean

   Comment by Taurean Watkins — July 26, 2011 @ 5:40 pm

10. 

    Kristi, I hope you know I’m saying this as a compliment to what you clearly had to juggle when your kids were little, and how you make time for their kids, while meeting your own goals, and I do apologize if I seemed insensitive to that, because it’s not what I believe one bit.

    But that’s also why I get so mad with myself. I don’t juggle what many who comment do, but just because I only have me to worry about, doesn’t mean I’m free of any burden at all, and I wish more people over 30 would get that, they say they do, but often show me the exact opposite.

    You’ve never done that, Kristi, and that means more to me than I’ll ever be able to express in words.

    I hope your kids know that now, and you grandkids will learn it also, as this world gets more complicated.

    Despite what some people tend to think, some things are different now then when were kids, and that’s not always a good thing, but it will get better if we don’t quit, and I have to remind myself that to the point of self-deprivation of myself, but some days are just harder than others. I thank you for not discrediting that for all of us.

    Take Care All,
    Taurean

    Comment by Taurean Watkins — July 26, 2011 @ 5:59 pm

11. 

    Taurean, a lot of the reason why I write this stuff is to stop people, if possible, from doing what I did. I, too, didn’t know my limits. Yes, I raised children and worked and wrote–I did it all at the same time! I was told then that you could do it all and have it all–and there was something wrong with you if you didn’t! They neglected in the fine print to also mention how sick you could get, how many stress-related illnesses you could get, how much surgeries would take all your extra income anyway, etc. I spend a LOT of time preaching at my grown daughters not to work so hard, to take better care of themselves, etc. And I babysit grandkids for two reasons: my enjoyment of them, which is high, and my knowledge that moms need breaks–or they break! [And that applies to any caretaking personality or job description.]

    All that said, I’ve noticed for a number of years that the world’s pressures have increased exponentially. For a long time, I wrote off the pressure as an aging issue–that I was just getting slower and more tired. That’s a factor certainly, but it’s a much smaller factor than I had thought. Glad you’re enjoying the posts so far!

    Comment by Kristi Holl — July 27, 2011 @ 5:49 am

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