May 24, 2010

Writers require “head space” in which nothing else is happening. You must have some mental space that is yours and yours alone in order to create and write.

“It takes quite a bit of energy on your part–a real effort–to maintain that space,” says Heather Sellers in Chapter after Chapter: Discover the dedication & focus you need to write the book of your dreams. “You have to put a wall around a part of yourself and protect it from the world of Needs and Stuff and Functions.”

Where’s the Energy Go?

If you still suffer from the common Being Everything to Everybody Syndrome, you very likely have little head space to call your own. Writers can’t do that all day, every day, and still have enough energy left for writing. Your head space is too full of other people.

One big energy drain comes from greasing the wheels of social interactions. Many of us have this habit, and it is a hard one to break. Some of us “grease the wheels” all day–at home or at work, with our family or friends, even with total strangers.

How do we do this? We see unhappy or uncomfortable people, and we rush in to fix their feelings and smooth their ruffled feathers and raise their self-esteem. We see troubled people and offer all the self-help therapy we can think of, then take them out for lunch. At social gatherings where no one is making any effort to converse, we turn somersaults trying to make people open up and connect.

The Solution

We mean well. We can’t stand the discomfort of other people, and we rush in to fix it. Or we hate to have someone mad at us, so we rush in to fix it–even when the other person brought on the problem or bad mood him/herself. 

Let’s face it. Most of our unasked-for advice isn’t appreciated. Sometimes it’s resented. And I don’t know about your track record, but 90% of the advice I so helpfully “offer” to others is never followed. It frustrates me, but it’s my own fault since they didn’t ask for my input in the first place.

It’s also a colossal waste of time and energy. And that’s what we’re trying to conserve here. All this fixing takes place in the psychic head space we need for our writing.

Break Free!

Being able to focus on your writing means learning first to take your eyes off everyone else–and letting other perfectly capable adults figure out their own lives. Only then will you have the quiet space inside your head in which to mull over your writing and let it take shape.

Experiment with this idea over the course of the next several weeks. Each time you are listening to someone’s problems, just be a caring listener and bite your tongue unless you are specifically asked for advice. In a dead-end conversation, be polite and pleasant and say a few things, but don’t invest all your energy in this nonverbal bump on a log.

One more warning from Heather Sellers : “We spend so much of our time Being Everything to Everyone, why on earth are we surprised when we have nothing left but the swamp of procrastination to stew in?” You’re probably not procrastinating–she says–you’re exhausted. “Save part of yourself. You must hold yourself back. For the book. Practice giving a little less of yourself to Everyone and Everything (yes, you can!).”

6 Comments »

1. 

   Boy, is that the truth! When you’re the mom, it’s tough, because you’re the only mom, even if you’re writing too. Recently I’ve struggled to create boundaries for myself and my family so that I can write. Since I homeschool (and babysit for a friend), I have to be available almost from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. Besides teaching, there is studying and grading. There is precious little time left for writing, plus I’m usually wiped out by the end of the day. It’s not easy, so you just do it anyway.

   Comment by Beth Mac — May 24, 2010 @ 4:24 pm

2. 

   Beth, given your schedule and responsibilities, if you can even find 15 minutes daily to write, you’re doing well! And believe it or not, 15 minutes daily is enough to establish a habit. You’ve got a full-time day job with homeschooling and babysitting, plus you’re a full-time mom. I didn’t homeschool, but long before my youngest went to kindergarten, I was juggling a day job plus kids plus the writing too. Your last line (“It’s not easy, so you just do it anyway”) says it all!

   Comment by Kristi Holl — May 25, 2010 @ 4:40 am

3. 

   I’ve recently started a blog, the information you provide on this site has helped me tremendously. Thank you for all of your time & work.

   Comment by Dena — May 26, 2010 @ 8:56 am

4. 

   You’re welcome, Dena. And blogging is a good way to get some daily writing practice in!

   Comment by Kristi Holl — May 26, 2010 @ 9:39 am

5. 

   This rings very true for me! At the end of 8 hours with teenagers, I have little brain left to operate on. My only desire is to BE entertained by an outside source–my husband, the TV, music–and I give in to those temptations because I’m too drained to create. I also mull over my day way too much, reliving the conversations I had or analyzing issues. Once we have kids, I’m not sure I’ll have any head space or energy left!

   Comment by Leslie Creek — May 26, 2010 @ 10:29 am

6. 

   My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!

   Comment by Cina — June 10, 2010 @ 12:07 am

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