April 21, 2010

I love flying for the simple reason that you get to read on planes and in airports. Last week I re-read an old favorite If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland (originally published in 1938). Reading some of her comments, you’d think she was writing in the 21st Century.

Chapter Ten has a lengthy title: “Why Women Who Do Too Much Housework Should Neglect It for Their Writing.” The chapter is about doing too much (unnecessary stuff) for others and neglecting your writing.

The More Things Change… 

While most of us today have enough modern conveniences that housework isn’t the time-consuming drudge it used to be, we’re trying to juggle home, day jobs, carpooling, throwing kids’ birthday parties, running the school’s bake sale, and a thousand other things. Some things are truly important to your child’s and family’s welfare, but much of it isn’t.

Let me quote Brenda Ueland and see if you agree: “They [wives/mothers] are always doing secondary and menial things (that do not require all their gifts and ability) for others and never anything for themselves. Society and husbands praise them for it (when they get too miserable or have nervous breakdowns) though always a little perplexedly and half-heartedly and just to be consoling. The poor wives are reminded that that is just why women are so splendid–because they are so unselfish and self-sacrificing and that is the wonderful thing about them! But inwardly women know that something is wrong.” 

That Was Then! Or Was It?

You might say, “But that was 1938!” Yes, but judging from the letters I get from mom/students, things haven’t changed all that much. We break our necks trying to keep up with whatever “expert” says a good wife or good mother does. We still “people please” and try to live our roles perfectly–instead of choosing what is the more excellent use of our time and doing that well.

My children (and now my kids and grandchildren) have always come before my writing. But in order to find time to write, I had to stop making my own pickles (like good farm wives did back then), running every children’s program at church, sewing costumes for plays, making applesauce out of the bushel of half-rotten apples given to me, painting my kitchen ceiling that was stained, and a host of other things. I wanted to write! Something had to give.

What About You?

Today I believe the pressures are much higher. Young parents are expected to have their children in several social groups starting in preschool, have big birthday parties for the kids, and be at everyone’s beck and call. Do you find that true in your life?

Could this be why you don’t have time to write? Does your family knowingly (or unknowingly) put pressure on you to give up all of your activities in favor of theirs? Or is the person putting pressure on you to be everything for everybody…you?

6 Comments »

1. 

   I believe I need to get out my copy of Brenda Ureland’s book and reread it. I struggle with this problem on a daily basis. The difference for me is that I have already limited my activities other than family, writing, job, household and church. I am part of the sandwich generation with elderly family members at the same time as preschool grandchildren. I do not know how some writers manage to turn out so much material when what I have listed would be a drop in the bucket for their activities. Perhaps they get up earlier or go to bed later than I do or maybe they resist the urge to plant several flower beds plus a new vegetable garden. I should have thought that impulse through more carefully. Thanks for all the good info you present, Kristy. I never miss a day reading your blog.

   Comment by Bonnie — April 21, 2010 @ 3:03 pm

2. 

   I know the person who puts on the pressure is ultimately me. If I demand time for my writing, I get it, but there are always 100 things that need to get done first. It’s my biggest challenge right now.

   Another issue, though, is that it is difficult to get people to think of your writing as “work” if you are unpublished. That is a huge issue between me and my husband right now. He has to go to work every day and accomplish a certain number of tasks. He doesn’t view my writing the same way – but we’re working on it!

   Comment by Julie Hedlund — April 21, 2010 @ 4:02 pm

3. 

   Yup, this is why I don’t iron clothes, volunteer to be classroom party mom or do canning. But I do love the fresh food from the garden, so fall and spring are busy times for us. I avoided having my kids in sports until they asked to play (around age 7-8).

   My mantra is people first, then things, and I’m part of the *people* too. Everybody lends a hand with the chores and that’s been good enough for us.

   I’m blessed because my family is supportive of my writing. If things aren’t going well, my husband will take the kids out so I can catch up, be alone.

   Comment by Vijaya — April 21, 2010 @ 5:13 pm

4. 

   I love this post. I am a mom of four – ages 5, 4, 3 and 7 months – and I am always finding that everybody expects everything from me to be perfect and on time. If I can keep up with their demands I get praise about how amazing I am, but as soon as I fall short I get ridiculed. I’m lucky enough that all my children nap from noon to 2, and I turn off my ringer everyday and that is my writing time, I am also have the good fortune of putting (again; all) my children to bed by 6:30, so if I want to write or just vegg-out, that choice is mine…cleaning the house is saved for when they are awake.

   Comment by Andrea — April 22, 2010 @ 7:36 am

5. 

   Speaking as someone who isn’t even married yet, let alone a parent, and a Man to boot, I can say some a couple choice things on the subject.

   For one, I think a lot of society’s expectations are heavily contradictory. On the one hand, we’re told time and time again how men should do more at home, when it comes to kids and housework.

   But at the same time, we’re told that because women have the kids, they have the utmost control on how things should be handled.

   I personally think that in a lot of cases, things would be a lot less stressful if the moms, especially new or first time moms remember that you birthed the child, but we guys helped make it too!

   Now personally, I think I would do a fairly decent job with making the lunches, dinner, doing the dishes, homework help, etc. I think we need to start seeing this on a more individual basis.

   I personally would probably some things or notice things other guys my age might not pick up on, mostly because I grew up in a single-parent home in which my grandma raised me, and while she did the best she could, not having more unified family unit hurt me in some ways, and I certainly don’t want my own kids to ever feel like I did in that they feel they only have so much support, and when it’s gone, they feel all alone.

   The pressures may be similar to 80+ years ago, but the way we handle them shouldn’t be. At least now it wouldn’t mean social death for women to work or men to dote on their kids a little more.

   What irks me the most is that during Jane Austen’s time, women were solely dependent on the men of their family looking after, whether it be a husband that was forced on you, or male relatives.

   It’s like treating the women like babies in petticoats, old enough to marry, but not considered strong or smart enough to do anything on their own for their livelihood.

   In fact, if I had be a man in Jane Austen’s time, I would’ve been seen as a maniac because my mental barriers. Not to mention a “Wimp” because I didn’t fit the mold of being a “Real” man.

   In many respects, mental illness and Cancer were seen the same way, they were considered the end of a person’s life, and in the case of mental illness, you spent the rest of your mortal life in a place where no one respected anything about you.

   At least now we’ve proven that not everyone with mental illness is-

   A. Certifiably insane

   B. Can have a better life, and in some cases like mine, the same life most other people have, but with some extra help here and there.

   And that we have feelings, fears, and dreams like everyone else.

   Plus, Cancer doesn’t always have to mean the end is near, and people can make the best of their time left in as little or no pain as possible.

   In short, we need to think “Community” a lot more than “Society” in that every community is unique, and we need to respect that. Whereas “Society” seems to stay pretty much the same if what Kristi’s heard and seen any indication.

   C.J.

   Comment by C.J. Rockwell — April 22, 2010 @ 4:06 pm

6. 

   Thank you, everyone, for your comments. Andrea, your kids sleep a remarkable amount of time! Bless their little hearts! And C.J., I’m sorry if I made it sound like husbands/fathers were the culprits. Sometimes they are, but mostly it’s the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect in all areas according to what “everyone” says we need to do. I want us ALL to lighten up on ourselves and take that time to write!

   Comment by Kristi Holl — April 22, 2010 @ 4:30 pm

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