Writers First Aid

Rejection Recovery

February 17, 2010

Rejection is part of the writing life. Writers have always struggled not to take rejection personally. Unless you’re super human, it deals a blow to one’s self-esteem.

“To be a writer is to be rejected. I’m not kidding,” says Rachel Ballon, Ph.D., author of The Writer’s Portable Therapist. “Those writers who stop writing the first time they’re rejected can’t call themselves writers because rejection is part and parcel of the writing game. It isn’t what happens to you IF you’re rejected, it’s what you do or don’t do WHEN you’re rejected.”

You Can Recover

I get concerned when my writer friends and students get so beaten down by a rejection. (And with our struggling economy lately, rejections are happening more frequently.) Rejections do hurt, and the disappointment can be huge. All the “don’t take it personally” lectures don’t help much then. You need more, especially in the initial stages when the rejection is new and raw.

“Expect rejection and disappointments with the knowledge that you’ll recover from them,” says Ballon. “Be just as prepared for rejection as you’re prepared for an earthquake in California or a hurricane in Florida.”

Plan Ahead

I never thought of that before: prepare for rejection. It makes sense though!

Most of my family members live in Florida now, and when a tropical storm is building to hurricane status, they go into motion like a well oiled machine. Buy batteries and food staples. Nail plywood over windows. Make sure generator works. Stock up on drinkable water. They don’t just sit back and hope the hurricane veers off and misses them. They know that the likelihood of being hit by a hurricane is low, but definitely possible. Being prepared has saved their lives and property more than once. And their plans for recovery and clean-up go into effect as soon as the storm passes.

The likelihood of writers being rejected is about 100%–much worse odds than destruction from an earthquake or hurricane. But how many of us have a plan for recovering from that particular professional “disaster”? Not many, I’m guessing. But we should have. We know it’s coming from time to time. And I wonder if we wouldn’t respond better if we planned for it.

Strategy

How do you plan for the day-perhaps after months of hopeful waiting or interested nibbles-when your story or novel or proposal is rejected? How can you prepare for it? Well, what makes you feel better when you’ve been rejected by someone in your personal life?

A hot bath and a good novel?
A phone call to your best friend?
A candy bar or Starbucks coffee?
Hanging out with people who do love you?
Going for a hard sweaty run or bike ride?
Journaling?
Curling up with a “feel good” movie or chick flick?

Chances are, those same things will help you through a manuscript rejection. They can be the solace for your bruised soul.

Plan Ahead-Work Your Plan

I think I’m going to make a list on a card called “Rejection Recovery Strategies” and tack it to my bulletin board. And the next time a book or proposal comes back to me, I’m going to stop the presses, reach for that recovery card, and do as many activities as it takes until I feel better.

I suspect that if we do this for a day or two-the necessary self-care and self-nurturing-we’ll be able to write in a few days. Maybe even sooner. Rejection causes wounds, and wounds need to heal. Pretending the wound isn’t there won’t work. It will just fester if left untreated-and it might get so painful that you give up writing altogether. And that would be a shame.

If you have a minute, share with me a favorite rejection recovery strategy of yours!

Post tags: depression, dreams, emotional balance, encouragement, focusing, healing, health, perseverance, psychology of writing, rejection, self-care, support, writing challenges, writing schedule

Posted in: healing,psychology of writing,recovery,rejections,renewal,self-care,solitude,strategy,thinking,waiting,writing anxiety,writing honest | | Comments (14)

14 Comments »

Chocolate, lots of chocolate! But seriously, it helps me to remember that even great, famous authors are rejected. Pearl Buck had a novel ms. rejected after she won the Nobel Prize for The Good Earth. Jane Yolen has won many awards in many genres, mostly for children, is still getting rejections (see her journal on her web site). This teaches me that it is NOT personal and that I am in very good company. Jane Yolen inspires me because she always has several projects going at once. If a rejection comes, it’s disappointing, but she has other things to throw her energy into.

Comment by Jane Healy — February 17, 2010 @ 7:56 am
I have more problems with waiting than rejection. I find that I have trouble working on other projects when I have something out there in limbo.

Comment by E.K. Cormier — February 17, 2010 @ 8:35 am
Rejection recovery strategies–what a grand idea! I’ve gone the coffee and chocolate route before but just gave up candy for Lent, so I’ll have to switch plans for the next little while. Thanks for the idea to tack a card by the computer, Kristi. I’m going to do that and see if it doesn’t give me a thicker skin when needed. Once again, you are the bearer of wise words!

Karin Larson

Comment by Karin Larson — February 17, 2010 @ 10:25 am
I think the best way to deal with rejection is to write something. Write a new story about a new character. Rewrite the story that was rejected. Write a letter to the editor telling him why you think he’s wrong. Write it out of your system and move on.

Rejection used to bother me a lot more than it does now. I’m not sure why. There used to be a deep rankle that went with a rejection letter, or a soaring euphoria that went with an acceptance.

But some where along the way during the last four or five years (in which I’ve been pushing much harder as a writer) two things have happened. There is no longer the big “ouch” when I get a rejection. Maybe it’s just that life is too full of really important things so I don’t attach as much importance to someone else’s opinion of what I write. I’m not sure. But I also realized that there’s no soaring euphoria that rides an acceptance, either. I’m happy about it, but inside, it doesn’t make me feel I’m more…anything. It’s just good, and I’m glad.

I wonder if it’s because as I get older, I finally know that whether I’m good or bad when it comes to writing, my husband and kids and friends and family all love me and I’m so sure of it, I don’t care so much. Does that make sense? Does anyone else feel that way too?

Comment by Beth Mac — February 17, 2010 @ 11:07 am
This column couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I just got two rejections yesterday and both sent me for a spin. Interestingly, sometimes I’m just fine and move on to the next market while other times the rejection does hit me for a little while. I sat down and worked on one of my other stories. It reminded me that I can write and that I’m a good writer. So onto the next markets with those two.

Comment by Angelia Almos — February 17, 2010 @ 11:11 am
I’m oppositional by nature, so when I get a rejection, I say, “I’ll show them! I’ll write something even more fantastic!” A rejection often spurs me on to get writing. This recently led to a sale of the new material.

Comment by Judy — February 17, 2010 @ 6:02 pm
For me, it helps to know others much, MUCH more experienced in this biz than I am also get rejected. And that tells me it’s not because I’m a horrible writer. One that needs work, yes, but not horrible. I tend to allow myself a bit of “recovery time” – maybe a day when I don’t write anything, if that’s what my mood is telling me to do. Next day, then, I can get back to it.

Comment by Yvette — February 17, 2010 @ 10:00 pm
My first strategy (and often the only necessary one!) is to email my critique partners. A simple “Boo-hoo” in the subject line and a description, or an actual email rejection, will get responses from the writers who know my work and my dreams, and will provide encouragement and feedback. It’s a quick-cure for me!

Comment by Carol Grannick — February 18, 2010 @ 7:59 am
Excuse me for this mass response.

Jane, you’re so right about Jane Yolen! She writes a LOT, has many projects out there, and still gets rejected. When you see it happening to writers like her, you really do start to make the connection that it’s NOT personal.

E.K., I don’t know what the cure is for that one because I don’t recall having that issue. The waiting time is so LONG sometimes that if you don’t write while something is “out there,” you might not write for six months or more. Sounds like you need a written strategy or list of steps in place for the day AFTER you submit something in order to get yourself moving again right away on a new project.

Karin, thanks for the kind words. I love having little lists like this because when I’m upset, my brain goes TILT, TILT and doesn’t think very clearly. But if I have a list of steps that I wrote in a calm and prayer time, I can follow it and get my brain in gear again.

Beth, I hope you don’t really SEND any letters back to the editor to tell him why he’s wrong. I’m guessing that’s a “write and dump” situation. And you’re right, when things are going well in your life and family apart from the writing, rejections are tons easier. The times for me that they were most difficult was when going through a divorce or the preceding years. A person can only take so much rejection. But after a few years, you do begin to realize that the disappointment will pass, like anything else. And once you shift your source of security elsewhere, rejections don’t have the power they once had. But that seems to come with experience—years of it!

Angelia, I’m sorry about your two rejections, but I applaud you for sitting down and writing right away. Writers write—and we feel like “real writers” during and after writing. That was a wise move!

Judy, that’s one of the best uses of oppositional disorder I’ve ever heard of! Good for you. I think you’ve hit on something valuable there. (It would be a good place to channel my stubbornness!)

Yvette, it sounds like you have a good balanced approach to the whole topic. Listening to yourself is key. Sometimes the rejected project hits us harder than other times. And sometimes it can be as simple as the fact that I was sick when I got the rejection. A little self-nurturing can help a lot!

Carol, that’s a wonderful suggestion! I hadn’t even thought of that, although I often do it at my critique group. I should email right away instead and get that instant empathy.

Comment by Kristi Holl — February 18, 2010 @ 8:54 am
My ‘Get it over’ strategy is to freewrite, then mope around alone for maybe 2-3 hours, take a great lunch or dinner, then read Ray Bradbury’s “Zen in the Art of Writing.” His dedication to writing stories always brings a smile and an urge to write. Then maybe I’ll go to the local library and read lots of picture books or mid-grade novels. Those will rejuvenate my writing spirit. Of course, throughout those days, coffee and coffee and maybe a slice of peanut cake and some folk music.
Feel the disappointment first. Then eat to nourish and read to get healthier. =)

Comment by Claudine Gueh — February 18, 2010 @ 10:05 pm
Claudine, I loved your “get over it” strategy! I can just picture you with coffee, peanut cake, folk music, and Ray Bradbury!

Comment by Kristi Holl — February 19, 2010 @ 7:46 am
How interesting. I just received another rejection today. My husband asked me if I was getting discouraged. I told him what I’d read here. That made me feel better.

Comment by Yvette — February 19, 2010 @ 10:21 pm
Yvette, I’m sorry about your rejection yesterday. I’m glad this post helped–and I hope you’re nurturing yourself through it! I have to too.

Comment by Kristi Holl — February 20, 2010 @ 4:20 pm
Kristi,
Looks like the bottom line of what we are saying is that we are looking for new ways to energize hope.

So anything that connects to future hope gets me moving forward.

Jann

Comment by Jann Pinnick — March 5, 2010 @ 2:04 pm