December 11, 2009

“Where did all my time go?”

This is the question on my mind the last few days as I’ve analyzed 2009 in order to meet a lot more of my goals in 2010. What was keeping me from living the writing life I had envisioned and fully intended to live?

As mentioned in The Law of Clear Vision, I had over-committed to a number of volunteer groups and ministries this year. I wasn’t sure how I’d been hooked so thoroughly–nor how to keep it from happening again. And then I read something about trigger foods that turned on the light for me.

Look Out!

All you veteran dieters know that “trigger foods” are those foods that you’re particularly sensitive to, the ones you can’t have in the house because eating one serving triggers a whole binge. Maybe it’s chips or chocolate or rolls. Triggers spark unhealthy behaviors that you swore you wouldn’t do again.

I’ve over-committed myself to outside activities in years past, learned how to set boundaries and say No, and all that very good stuff. So what was my problem this year? What triggered me to binge on so many outside activities that I couldn’t do my own work or stay healthy?

Needs

Needy people are my triggers, I’ve decided. And they come in many forms.

Seeing sick or tired-looking people prompt me to make offers of baby-sitting and help with housework and office work.

Phone numbers I don’t recognize are triggers because they might be hurting people wanting to join one of my support groups. I feel uncomfortable letting my answering machine take the messages because often times people just hang up.

Readers of my blog or website who want help getting started writing can easily “hook” me because I identify with them so much. I remember how it was in the beginning–and how helpful it would have been to know someone who could answer my questions.

Whoa, Nellie!

Years ago, when my children were small and I held four or five jobs in our church, my pastor took me aside and told me to cut back before I got sick. “The need is not the call,” he told me gently. “Just because there’s a need doesn’t mean that it’s a job you should take on.” I liked what he said, but to be honest, I never could tell the difference.

Maybe it’s just those of us who grew up very needy that have trouble saying “no” to people, with or without guilt. It’s hard to know where to draw the line, but my health has suffered this year, so I know it’s time.

Other Types of Help

I may need to begin giving less personal help. For example, when someone wants advice on how to start a writing career, I may need to adopt my youngest daughter’s constant refrain: “Just Google it!” Instead of researching things for people, I would do better to tell them how to find the answers themselves and let them explore all the writing websites and books out there.

My best friend suggested that I also create some “canned” email responses since many of the email questions I receive fall into five or six similar categories. I could create some fairly lengthy, helpful emails on certain topics that come up repeatedly and have them ready as a response.

How about you other writers out there? What tricks do you have up your sleeves for helping your fellow man, yet knowing where to draw the line so you can get your own work done and get sufficient sleep? I’m open to suggestions!

8 Comments »

1. 

   Hi Kristi,
   The last 6 weeks have been very chaotic. The family challenges truly show who you can rely on.

   Here’s my suggestion:
   Yesterday I looked back at those 6 weeks & I put together a list of all the things I handled, all the things I do now, & all the things I want to do. Then I looked at the list & crossed off all the things I completed (it was funny how I was still doing things that I considered complete); hilited all the things that I “need” to do (like my day job) & circled the 6 things that would make me happy to do.
   When I looked at the marked list I noticed the things that I was doing that I didn’t need to do or even want to do.
   I took another look at the things that were completed and gave myself some credit
   Finally I copied the things I need & want to do onto a fresh sheet. Now if it’s not on my list I don’t even look at it. (At least until after Christmas)

   Cheers,
   B)

   Comment by Ally M — December 11, 2009 @ 3:18 pm

2. 

   Ally, what a fantastic idea! For one thing, we rarely give ourselves credit for all the things we HAVE accomplished–we/I just focus on the things I didn’t get done. And I like the lists you made–and the various categories. Excellent! Thanks for sharing!

   Comment by Kristi Holl — December 11, 2009 @ 4:48 pm

3. 

   If I get a specific writing question, such as “Do I need to send drawings with my picture book submission?”, I give a short answer - “no.” If it is an open-ended question about how to start a writing career, I usually tell them how I started. I read writing magazines and books and took continuing ed. classes. I think that a prospective writer should be encouraged but have to search a little for some of the answers. That’s part of the learning process. As for church and other volunteer obligations, I’ve finally settled on doing short-term projects that only take a day or two of concentrated effort every few months. I feel guilty sometimes but it’s a matter of survival as you have discovered.

   Comment by Bonnie — December 11, 2009 @ 5:44 pm

4. 

   Bonnie, your choices sound wise. Your last suggestion reminded me of what I did when my kids were all small or in grade school. I turned down being room mother all year, but volunteered for short-term things like parties or chaperoning field trips. About the first thing: yes, I think you’re right. Searching for answers a bit IS part of the learning process. We all had to do it! Thanks for sharing!

   Comment by Kristi Holl — December 11, 2009 @ 9:51 pm

5. 

   I do what Bonnie does … and I don’t feel guilty.
   Something interesting our pastor said: when you have young children, if you do nothing but raise them, you’ve done enough.

   Comment by Vijaya — December 12, 2009 @ 4:03 pm

6. 

   It took a nervous breakdown for me to learn to say No. Not making THAT mistake again!
   That was several years ago, and I’ve gotten rather good at it.
   I’m a lister. I make lists of EVERYTHING. I’m also very routined. If something I’m being asked to do isn’t a)necessary to the care and wellbeing of my family, b)in tune with anything on my list, or c)fitting into my day, I say No. Some people don’t like that. To them I say, would you rather I do it right, on my time, or screw it up on yours?
   I am one of those prospective writers who would love to pick your brain but I also know that how you got started probably isn’t the same way everyone else did, and the bottom line is I need to find my own way. The Internet is a HUGE help. And, Googling is how I found your blog, so….

   Comment by Yvette — December 13, 2009 @ 9:51 pm

7. 

   Here are suggestions:

   1. I ask myself what things only I can do. (Mom, wife, etc.) The rest may be important, but are not necessarily what I need to do.

   2. I focus on one volunteer project instead of many. Our Children’s Ministry Pastor didn’t allow those of us who were department coordinators to volunteer for anything else in the church without consulting her first. She protected us from over-involvement, which allowed us to do the thing we knew we were called to do with excellence and keep from being burned out.

   3. My husband is an activity screen for me. (You could ask a friend to be this for you.) This means that before I say yes to anything, I have to run it by someone who will help me remember whether I really have the time to do anything more. An outside source will not be likely to be emotionally swayed by need.

   4. I pray about it. A lot of times, that’s just not where I’m supposed to be.

   Hope it helps.

   Comment by Beth Mac — December 13, 2009 @ 10:11 pm

8. 

   Thank you all for the wonderful ideas and suggestions above! You’ve had wonderful pastors and friends to give you this advice. My best friend has offered to be that “activity screen” for me, and it sounds like an excellent offer! Thanks for the doses of humor also. I appreciate it all!

   Comment by Kristi Holl — December 14, 2009 @ 4:17 pm

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