October 12, 2009

Enable: to make possible or easy

I’ve been called an enabler before, and it usually has a negative connotation. It brings to mind a wife calling her drunk husband’s boss to lie for her husband’s absence. Or the dad who continues to pay for the college son’s tuition, even though he rarely goes to class and is flunking most of his subjects.

After Friday’s post on “Fighting to Focus,” I made a concerted effort to root out the reasons for my obsessive worrying. I knew from experience that I was believing some lies, and that those beliefs were stealing precious hours that I wanted to spend writing instead. Here are some ways I enable myself to worry. (Do you see yourself in any of these beliefs?)

Attitudes (Lies) that Enable

#1: It’s natural to worry.  It’s normal, and everyone does it, you say. Our default mind position seems to be toward problems, not solutions and answers. But lots of things are “natural,” including colds, flu, and accidents. Worry shatters your focus, robs you of sleep, destroys your peace, and (if you’re like me) really tints your thinking with mud-colored glasses. Worry isn’t natural or helpful. It’s harmful. And it’s one of the stinky things in the fridge that has to go.

#2: Failure to worry is dangerous. If you grew up in an unsafe environment or with a lot of chaos, you learned early that you needed a Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C ready because people outside your control could tornado through your day and create a mess, requiring you to fall back and regroup. Having a back-up plan (or two) becomes so second nature that you wouldn’t think of not doing it. Letting go of worry and just “going with the flow” is downright risky, you believe.

If you have a basic fear that life is very unreliable–usually due to some traumas in your past–then worrying and planning excessively gives you a  false feeling of safety. It really does. However, excessive planning is just a way to worry on paper, it doesn’t stop out-of-control people from doing their thing, and it robs you of time you should spend on your own life.

#3. Worrying is a sign that you care. When something is happening to someone you love, or they are making poor decisions, it can feel callous to give a sign of caring (note or phone call), pray for them, and then turn your mind to something else. Somewhere along the path of life, I took on the believe that if I truly loved someone, I would be thinking (worrying) about them all the time. When I ran into someone who was able to care in a healthy way, but then attend to her own life, I (secretly) decided she was a cold human being with very little heart. (I know that sounds horrid, but I did.)

Argue Against the Beliefs

Now that I’ve pinpointed what I believe are the stinky lies in my rank refrigerator, I will systematically argue against them each time they go through my mind. I know how to counter lies with truth. The trick is to pay attention to your thinking, catch the negative thought, and pounce on it immediately. Then replace it with the truth–out loud, if necessary.l

Repeatedly and consistently take the thought captive, expose it to the light, tell yourself the truth–and sooner or later, the worry trap will spring open. When it does, walk away and don’t look back.

Freedom (and hours to be creative) await!

6 Comments »

1. 

   Pounce repeatedly & consistently!! No excuses!!

   Comment by Jane Heitman Healy — October 12, 2009 @ 9:19 am

2. 

   I think it’s in the Purpose Driven Life that Rick Warren says that we have a great ability to focus, especially when we worry! He talks about shifting that focus to prayer. It is so much more effective

   I’m by nature not a worrier, but I can easily get sucked into someone else’s drama. I’ve had phone calls that completely derail me for the whole day … I try to give myself a time limit to thrash about, but truly, I have to remember to sit down and give all my fears and worries to God. He can take care of them. And I can take care of what I can.

   Comment by Vijaya — October 12, 2009 @ 3:35 pm

3. 

   You’re so right, Jane! No excuses! I’ve been pouncing like crazy today–and it worked! Yay!!

   Vijaya, that’s so true. We CAN focus when it comes to drama in its various disguises. I have to give over my worries too–often many times per day or night. Eventually, though, I seem to dig a new channel in the brain, and the worries “flow” where they need to go much sooner.

   Comment by Kristi Holl — October 12, 2009 @ 3:53 pm

4. 

   Thank you, Vijaya! Your comment was so helpful to me. It’s taken me years to develop the ability to give over one set of worries to the person/people who are actually responsible for the issues at hand. That’s just one set. Take care of what I can, let go of what I can’t – repeat out loud as necessary.

   Comment by Yvette — October 13, 2009 @ 9:58 pm

5. 

   I’m just catching up on your latest posts, and it’s been an eye-opener. To your question: Do you see yourself in any other these belifs, I answer with a resounding yes–in every one! You’ve really helped me understand myself and the challenges to my writing and personal peace of mind. Thanks!

   Comment by Christine Venzon — October 15, 2009 @ 1:13 pm

6. 

   You’re welcome, Christine. I’ve had to re-read my own posts this week to keep these principles in mind. How easy it is to forget, and then lose our peace.

   Comment by Kristi Holl — October 16, 2009 @ 4:44 am

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