April 30, 2008

(First read “Dealing with Disappointment” Part 1)

Delay or Suspend Judgment
Many disappointments are totally out of our control. They just happen. Someone doesn’t show up on time—or at all. The story or book that an editor was so excited about gets rejected after nine months. Our department at work is down-sized and our income shrinks along with it. A grown sibling or neighbor spreads nasty, untrue rumors about you. Whatever the disappointment is, don’t be too quick to judge the person’s conduct (or the apparent conduct of the person) who has disappointed you. Often what we see is not what is going on.

We usually don’t understand why this person is behaving in this manner. We seldom have all the facts of the situation. So choose to suspend judgment and criticism until a later time. When a disappointment occurs, always assume you don’t know all the facts or extenuating circumstances. 99% of the time, your assumption will be accurate. Delay any judging and criticizing or reacting till you know the facts—just put a lid on it for now.

Take Time to Think
Our initial reaction to a disappointing situation—what comes naturally to most of us—may not be the best response. In fact, if you don’t take time to think (or better yet, sleep on it and pray for God’s perspective and wisdom) your reaction can cause a whole string of further (and worse) regrets to deal with. We’ve all seen and participated in not-so-serious discussions that erupted into angry fights, multiplying the stressful event tenfold. Oftentimes, when the dust has settled and a calm discussion of the event takes place days later, misunderstandings are apparent on both sides. So don’t allow a disappointment—no matter its size—to escalate.

Be Verbal!
Unspoken expectations also come into play. Before you react negatively to a disappointment (“Why couldn’t he keep the kids out of my hair just one hour today so I could write?”), be sure that you actually verbalized your hopes or expectations. No one is a good mind reader. If you didn’t ask your husband to keep the kids out of your hair so you could write, you can’t assume that he knows they’re bothering you or that you have trouble writing with a million interruptions. He’s used to watching you cook, clean, garden and drive carpool while handling umpteen questions from little ones. He may not know, without being told, that your writing is different and needs peace and quiet. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment—and a ruined weekend—because you didn’t speak up and then got angry because he didn’t read your mind. (Return for Part 3 and more solutions next.)

April 28, 2008

Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes, and they can thoroughly derail our urge to write. The disappointments might be writing related (like a dismal writing session, or receiving a rejection.) Non-writing disappointments also impact our ability to focus and be creative (the loss of a friendship, your child in trouble at school again, something doesn’t turn out the way you had hoped.) A cloud hovers over us. Spirits droop. How can we keep writing after experiencing a disappointment?

First of all, we can stop waiting for the magical day when disappointments no longer occur. Occasional letdowns and dashed hopes are a fact of life. They will come. Our only choice is in how we will respond. Will we let them dampen our creativity and destroy our writing days? Or will we turn the disappointment into an opportunity for growth?

Adjust Reality
Many disappointments occur (with the accompanying stress) because of the gap between your expectations and reality. When you have an expectation about the way something should happen and then reality falls short of that expectation, it creates a disappointment that in turn breeds stress. For example, you expected to finish that rough draft today, but couldn’t because you had to take your child to the dentist, your mom to the doctor, and your dog to the vet. You’re frustrated and disappointed.

In this case, an easy way to avoid such disappointment is to bring reality more in line with your expectations. Look at your calendar, and plan your day the night before. Don’t just have a vague idea in the back of your mind that you’ll “write that story tomorrow.” Instead, make up a “to do” list each night for the next day. Include not only the things you have to do, but, more importantly, the things you want to do. Prioritize them in order of their importance, and put writing near the top. You’ll experience much less disappointment if you don’t set yourself up with false expectations. (Return this week for Parts 2 and 3.)

April 26, 2008

(First read “Mentors or Tormentors?” Part 1 and Part 2.)
Choosing a Mentor
If you are active in the writing field, you will meet other writers at conferences, book discussion groups, chain bookstore events, book signings, and writing workshops. Out of all the more experienced writers you meet, how do you spot a good candidate to approach for a mentor relationship? To think of names of writers you might contact, consider the following things:

1. Whom in your field do you respect, and what qualities in them do you admire?

2. What person/people do you call upon when you either need help or want to celebrate? This is the type of helpful (not critical) personality you want in a mentor.

3. What habits do they have that would help you? Are they organized, creative, or outspoken where you’re disorganized, obscure or shy?

4. What are they doing that you would like to be doing yourself? What is happening in their writing life that you would love to see happening in yours?

Never Too Old!
One last thing: never assume because you’re published or have been in the writing field a long time that you can’t benefit from having a mentor, even if it’s only for three to six months. We all get derailed from time to time and need help getting back on track. We all go through personal and professional life changes and can use bolstering and redirection during the down times.
And if, by chance, your writing life is everything you ever dreamed of, how about mentoring another struggling writer who could benefit from your encouragement? Look around you. It won’t take long to find one!

(NOTE: People are very busy, so if your first inquiry to a potential mentor gets turned down, try not to feel rejected. It isn’t personal. I know–I’ve had to turn people down myself. Also, if you have the money, consider hiring a writing coach or taking an online mentoring course.)

April 25, 2008

(First read Part 1 of “Mentors or Tormentors?”)
Healthy Mentor Qualities
As with any relationship, there are healthy (and unhealthy) mentor/mentee pairings. If you know that you have a propensity to let people abuse or walk all over you, if you lack healthy boundaries and can’t protect your self-esteem, be especially careful when choosing a mentor. An oppressive friend or relative can drain your creativity, but an oppressive writing mentor can derail your dreams and kill your faith in your writing ability. A lengthy relationship with a writing tormentor can leave long-term (even permanent) damage.

So how do you recognize a healthy mentor? She needs the same qualities as a well balanced parent. You don’t want a permissive mentor, who (like a permissive parent) heaps on the praise and lets you do and think whatever you please, offering no insights or course corrections. This kind of mentor is no help in the real writing world. On the other extreme, you don’t want an authoritarian mentor either. Like an overbearing parent, this type of mentor finds fault easily, overlooks your strengths, and bludgeons you with your shortcomings. This type of mentor may mean well, but the criticism is relentless and your self-esteem plummets.

Helpful Signs
You want a balanced mentor to help guide and encourage you along the writing path. This type of trainer or coach uses encouragement plus accountability to help you grow. The encouragement is positive, but so is the accountability. In fact, good mentors are balanced and function much like good teachers. He will “inspire but not dictate, praise without making someone overconfident, and critique without humiliating or discouraging,” according to Elizabeth Berg in Escaping into the Open.

If you find that meetings with your mentor leave you feeling “less than” about your writing or yourself, if you feel discouraged instead of bolstered, then it’s possible that your mentor is (not necessarily on purpose) a tormentor. If so, ease out of the relationship and find another mentor.

High Expectations
We are happiest in relationships where our expectations are realistic and not based on fantasy. Being realistic does NOT mean having low expectations though. In fact, “high achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation,” according to Jack Kinder, speaker and consultant.

What kind of expectations of yourself should you have in this relationship? First, try to be open-minded to your mentor’s suggestions. You have presumably chosen a mentor who knows more of the ropes than you do about the writing life, so at least consider her ideas for such things as juggling writing and parenting, how to be a savvy marketer, how to discover your passions, how to dig deeper into characters, or how to write more consistently. Don’t be too quick to trot out your excuses of why her suggestions won’t work in your situation.

What are your expectations of your mentor? Discuss these expectations openly when first introduced. Your expectations may be unrealistic. Your mentor is there to encourage you, not to spend more time on your writing than you do. Also do not expect your mentor to use whatever publishing contacts she has to help you get published. Your mentor is also not “on call” night or day to hold your hand. Do not expect her to stay hours beyond your meeting time to discuss your work or other concerns with you. She might do all those things, but you should not expect her to. (See the next post on steps to choosing a mentor.)

April 23, 2008

I have had two experiences with mentoring, both very positive. I was on the receiving end at a week long writers’ conference, and my mentor was a much published author in a field I wanted to enter. She was open and encouraging and offered excellent constructive criticism. I have also had the privilege of mentoring another writer through a mentorship program that lasted a year. I was on the giving end this time, and besides making a new friend, I think I was helpful to this newer writer.

Black and White
Famous writers, both present and past, talk fondly of mentors who supported them through the rough early years of writing. Books are lovingly dedicated to mentors who believed in these writers when the rest of the world didn’t. But before you snatch up the first willing mentor you find, be aware that not all mentors are created equal. The mentor you pair up with may actually be a tormentor in disguise. While attempting to “help” you, a tormentor inflicts torture, pain, confusion, and vexation. Just what you need, right? No!

Despite the many “happily ever after” stories you hear, there are unfortunately also destructive outcomes from mentoring relationships. Promising young authors turn their backs on writing forever because their “mentor” pronounced their stories naive, lacking or boring. “You’ll never be a writer!” is the message given, intentionally or not, by these critical and egotistical professional writers. You may not know you’ve found a tormentor instead of a mentor until you’re a few weeks into the relationship. But look for the danger signs, and if you see them, terminate this relationship.

In these tough publishing days, could you benefit from finding a true mentor? Quite possibly, but first, let’s define the term. A mentor is not a critique partner, although some mentors do critique as well. A mentor is primarily a trusted counselor, advisor, guide, tutor, or coach. It’s someone who is further along in her writing career—sometimes much further—who is willing to take you under her wing and show you the ropes and encourage you through the rough periods. A mentor is worth her weight in ink cartridges. (See the next post for healthy mentor qualities to look for–and how to set appropriate expectations for the relationship.)

April 21, 2008

Chip MacGregor of MacGregor Literary has some great marketing wisdom that he shared in two guest articles recently. I’d suggest printing them out if you keep a marketing notebook. There’s a a lot of great stuff here. Chip is a savvy literary agent, but he’s also a writer, and a former editor and publisher, so he can see book marketing from every angle. Here, then, are some great marketing insights from an industry insider, courtesy of the We Can! market out books blog.

“Words of Wisdom” gives you the first five steps with explanations.
“Words of Wisdom” Part 2 gives you steps six through ten.

April 19, 2008

Organize!
If you organize your household have-to’s, you’ll find more time to write. Do you run errands several times per week and wander around stores trying to remember what you need? Then combine your trips into one morning, make lists before you leave home, map out an efficient route, and easily save yourself several hours per week. If you have a choice, run those errands in off-peak times. Save at least an hour each week by not visiting banks, Laundromats, pharmacies, post offices and grocery stores in the evenings, on weekends, or just before closing time.

Consider boxing up or throwing away all your clutter gathering dust. Clear off desks, kitchen counter tops, bathroom counters and cabinets, coffee tables, and dressers. Cleared surfaces are faster to dust and make you feel in control of your home. File or trash the clipped recipes, old medicines, and past issues of anything. Put away appliances you rarely use, like the bread maker, juicer, blender, and toaster oven. Make space to work. Then appropriate that saved time to write.

Supper Time!
Food shopping, preparation and cleanup are NOT one of the household have-to’s you’ll be allowed to skip. So streamline and enlist help. Put a grocery list on the refrigerator and insist that everyone add his requests to the list in writing. (No more of this “Hey, Mom! We’re out of…”) If it’s not on the list, you don’t buy it. Train family members to add items to the list when they use the last of it. As soon as your kids have drivers’ licenses, make grocery shopping (with the list) one of their chores. (It pays off! My oldest daughter met her future husband this way. He was her carryout boy for a year before he actually carried her off.)

Streamline your cooking too. If your children are too small to help, then fix double or triple portions when you cook, and freeze a meal or two. Why spend two one-hour periods cooking two meals of meatballs, when you can cook that amount in one hour, freeze a meal, and use that saved hour for writing? If your children are ten or older, they can take turns cooking and cleaning up afterwards. My children, from ten on, were assigned one night per week to cook and do dishes. (That way the sloppy cooks had to clean up their own messes afterwards.) There are great kids’ cookbooks, and my children enjoyed trying new things. If they wanted to cook something special, they added those items to the grocery list.

We All Live Here
Anyone who lives under your roof should be helping with chores. Even the youngest child can pick up toys. Elementary children can make and change their beds, take out garbage, do dishes, vacuum, and fold laundry. Older children and teens can grocery shop, scoop snow, wash cars, and mow the lawn as well. Rotate the chores as much as possible. No one enjoys cleaning bathrooms, so make everyone take a turn. “Many hands make light work,” my grandma always said. And she was right.

After you decide which chores really need doing, schedule those tasks according to your inner clock. Don’t waste your most alert hours sweeping floors and washing dishes. If you’re mentally sharp in the mornings, write first. If you’re brain dead upon awakening, clean toilets then–and write late at night when your muse comes out of hiding. I have found, after writing a couple hours, that washing dishes or sorting laundry makes a good break–and is unfun enough to prod me back quickly to the keyboard!

You own your house. Don’t let it–and its tasks–own you. Take a hard look at your current household have-to’s, and see where you can cut or streamline. Make the changes. Then spend that “found” time writing instead.

April 18, 2008

Families: what would we do without them? Writers want to keep up with their homes and families, yet also write, but there just doesn’t seem to be enough time. Maintaining our homes (even if we have no Martha Stewart aspirations) and keeping our families fed and clothed can consume so much time that the would-be writer finally throws up her hands and shelves her writing dreams for “later,” when there will be more time.

“Later” won’t come. Sad, but definitely true. There is only now, and without making some household changes, there won’t ever be time to write. As seasons come and go, your chores and responsibilities will change, but the time to write won’t magically materialize. You have to make it appear.

Planned Procrastination
Like many new writers, I didn’t think I could sit down at the keyboard unless the dishes and laundry were done, the carpet vacuumed, and the children happily entertained with Play-Doh. I had tried writing before polishing off these household chores, but the anxiety and guilt got the better of me. And, of course, since I felt guilty, I must be doing something wrong. Right? So I returned to my “work now, play later” philosophy, washing dishes during my prime creative time and writing late in the day when I had no energy left. Not until years later, when I realized writing was also work, did a paradigm shift occurred. Then I finally put household chores in their place.

Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Write Where You Live, says, “If you can put household chores in their proper place–something that must be done eventually–you can make and stick to a writing schedule that works for you. Do what needs to be done as it needs to be done, then do it as efficiently and effectively as it needs to be done and nothing more.” (Unless your mother’s coming to visit.) She called it “planned procrastination.”

Does It Have To Be Done?
How do you decide what has to be done and what doesn’t? It’s a personal decision, but look critically at how you spend your time. Are you working around the house doing things no one ever notices (rearranging the photos, painting daisies on all your flower pots, alphabetizing books by author?) Then stop it. In most families, spouses and children notice when there’s no food to eat, no clean clothes to wear, and you’re out of shampoo. Pretty much everything else is optional.
So decide what is critical to you, then stop doing everything else. Personally, I need the house picked up before I can work, but dishes in the sink can wait. You may be the opposite. Experiment. Try leaving certain jobs undone while you write–or undone altogether–and see what really bothers you and what doesn’t. Perhaps you were raised to mop the kitchen floor every Saturday, so you’ve done it for years. You may discover once a month suits you fine, with mini wipe-ups between times. Remember the purpose of the experiment: time saved is time you can spend writing. (Come back tomorrow for Part 2–and some solutions!)

April 16, 2008

My friend Terry Whalin (agent, editor, writer) was in New York recently, where (among many other things) he was on a prestigious panel discussing successful blogging. See the article here. This is a description of the panel: “If you’re thinking of creating a blog or looking to improve your current template, this is a must-attend session. Panelists will show how to achieve professional results when it comes to generating buzz, cultivating an audience, and writing the kind of content that gets you noticed by editors.”

Terry was very generous and posted his handout (which includes a free blogging e-book offer). The handout is simply loaded with links to help you make your blog all it can be. I hope you’ll take advantage of it. Thanks, Terry!

April 14, 2008

Most days if I’m stuck in my writing, I just don’t have time to read a whole chapter (or book) on breaking a writer’s block. I just want a string of short tips or ideas to quickly peruse, then try one or two, and get on with the writing. Today I found such a list! Think I’ll print it out and tape it to the computer. It’s called “Fifty Ideas to Immediately Combat Writers Block.”

“Writer’s block - the dreaded enemy of all authors. This post features ideas on how you can scale it, get over it, and be on your merry way in a flash.”

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